Friday, November 8, 2013

Still No Contacts...

I went to my second LASIK consultation appointment last week. If you'll remember, I went on October 3, only to have to reschedule because they said that my corneas were warped and I needed to be out of my contacts for 3 more weeks.

So after 5 weeks in my glasses I headed back to the eye office on October 30th. I had prepared myself for two scenarios: Either I was a candidate or I wasn't. I was anxious to get rid of my glasses one way or the other.

What I had not prepared myself for was this: "Your corneas look exactly the same as the first time we scanned them. We think we need to do it again with our more advanced machine down in Cincinnati."

This meant... making another appointment. Mind you, this is just the consultation process. I have not even qualified yet for the LASIK operation.

And you know you're in for the long haul when the scheduling guy in the front office says, "Did you want that appointment before the end of the year?"

So on November 19th, I'll drive down to Cinci - a bit farther than the office I have been going to. Let's hope that this is the last consultation appointment. At this point, I'd be happy just to go back to contacts.

I know there are plenty of people who live day-to-day with glasses, but I'm not sure if their prescription is as bad as mine. Here's a little window into my world.

I cannot do ANYTHING without my glasses on. I am practically blind. For instance, at the end of a long day when all I want to do is lie in bed and read, I have to keep my glasses on. To read a book without my glasses is to hold the book literally within an inch of my nose and turn my head side to side to read each sentence. That's right, my eyesight is so bad that if my face is positioned on the left side of the page, I cannot see the words on the right side of the page.

Putting makeup on takes twice as long as it used to. Obviously I can't put mascara on with my glasses on, so I have to take them off and practically press my forehead against the mirror so as not to poke myself in the eye with the mascara wand.

You may be thinking, "Just skip the mascara!" But if you are blonde, have blonde eyelashes, and have the facial structure of a 17 year old boy, you will understand. I only wore mascara for special occasions until about halfway through college, when a friend of mine flat out said to me that I looked prettier when I wore mascara. To you she may not sound like a very good friend, but you have to understand that I was a student athlete in college, and my basic daily attire was saggy sweatpants, a t-shirt and ponytail. Subtle changes such as mascara drastically improved my curb appeal.

And so I fog up the mirror with my breath each morning as I apply my mascara:

Another beauty routine that is complicated by poor eyesight is - well, this is a little personal, but - shaving your legs. Imagine trying to shave your legs when you can't really see your legs. If you think you nick yourself a lot now, try closing your eyes while shaving your knees. I've gone so far as to try to wear my glasses in the shower or bath, but they fog up instantly, and that is actually worse. If you have perfect eyesight and can't imagine it, allow me to provide you with an image:

In case you can't tell, that is a leg and an arm (though not mine because I am not posting pictures of my naked legs on the internet - thank you to this crazy person who did). And yes, that is almost exactly what it looks like without my glasses on. Suffice it to say, poor Ted has been sharing a bed with a Sasquatch for the last 6 weeks...

Along with shaving I have given up exercising. At first I ran on the treadmill at the rec center with my glasses tucked neatly in the little basket up front. But I couldn't see the numbers on the screen or the buttons to adjust the speed, and running with blurry vision actually made me a little nauseous. Running with glasses on became impossible as soon as I started to sweat. You're probably thinking that this is a lame excuse to skip exercise, but my commitment to working out was tenuous to begin with.

Finally, I don't own a pair of prescription sunglasses, so I haven't been able to shade my eyes from the sun for the last month. Along with blonde hair, I have blue eyes, and those suckers let every last ray of light into my poor, sensitive pupils. At my last LASIK appointment, though, I managed to score these lenses that sit inside your glasses after you get your eyes dilated:

Dorky, but effective.

I'll give you the final update on the LASIK eval sometime after November 19th. Like I said, one way or the other, I'll be happy to take my glasses off.

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